Interview with Edward Drinker Cope and End Cheer at the Joint Meeting of Ichthyologists and Herpetologists 2013 Banquet

The real E.D. Cope

The following is text from the final banquet of the Joint Meeting of Ichthyologists and Herpetologists meeting in July 2013 in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I was MC and brought up a very special guest played by Brian Sidlauskas. (PC: Prosanta Chakrabarty; Cope text in italics)

PC: On this 100th anniversary of our journal Copeia, I'd like to call our namesake, and Bruce Collette’s college roomate, Edward Drinker Cope.

PC: Dr. Cope what an absolute honor it is to have you up here with us. You look remarkably well preserved for someone who has been dead for more than 120yrs and sick for 150.

COPE: Yes, yes, it must be an honor for yall - not everyday that you get to meet the Neotype of your own species.

By the way has someone seen my skull The knucklehead that made me the Neotype borrowed it from the Academy in Philadelphia and never brought it back. I thought Lundberg and Sabaj would have found it by now. Has anyone checked Lundberg’s office?

PC: Well I'd like to ask you what you think about the the journal Copeia.

COPE: Well I am pleased by the honor but I wish our impact factor was a whole number. I mean my personal H-index is higher than all of Copeia! Couldn’t you have named a better journal after me like Science or Nature or maybe Herpetologica?

PC: How about the ASIH society are we living up to your name?

Well I would be remiss not to mention that I have still published more papers than everyone in this room combined.

Tom Near (Yale Professor): Othniel C. Marsh says they are mostly crap descriptions

COPE: Stuff it Yale boy, go cuddle with your grand pappy Marsh!

PC: Fellas, fellas, take it easy, let's get back to the questions here. Dr. Cope what do you think of the next generation of ichthyologists and herpetologists here today, the students. Can you speak directly to them.

COPE: Well I think they are bunch of sissies – that’s what I think if you really want to know. All I hear is "I'll never get a job, there are no curator positions, nah, nah, nah”

You think I had a job? I turned down jobs so I could do field work. I had to buy the house next to me to even have a place to store my specimens. Besides even Chakrabarty got a friggin job – obviously they’ll hire anyone these days.

 

The ghost of E.D. Cope as played by Brian Sidlauskas

PC: Uh thanks, I guess. They are supposedly making a movie called Bone Wars about your career and rivalry with Marsh. Marsh was set to be played by James Gandofini until his recent passing. What do you think of being played by Steve Carrel?

COPE: Just dandy I suppose. Marsh was going to be played by Tony Soprano and I get the 4^th male lead in Anchorman 2. Maybe that Gandolfini is dead they can replace Marsh with an actor with a closer resemblance. Maybe Snooki from Jersey Shore or the chubby kid from Jerry McGuire.

I just hope they don’t say anything about all my STD’s like they did in the book.

PC: Well I gotta ask would you like to clear up the rumor that you regularly dipped your, uhh…member…in formaldehyde to ease the symptoms of syphilis.

COPE: That is an utter falsehood [slams fist on table!]

I only dipped half my penis in formaldehyde.....

Although it was the back half.

Okay then Dr. Cope thank for clearing that up I guess. Thank you again for being such an inspiration to the society.

COPE: By the way I have not seen a penny of the dues as royalties for that matter. You know the Academy didn’t want to pay me either and I’ve been cursing them since. If you ever want your impact factor to be above one I suggest you pay up. I accept payment in drinks remember my middle name is Drinker!

-      Now I’m afraid that this has gone on long enough. I actually submitted a 1/2 page species description to Copeia and I just got 18 pages of reviewer comments back, including accusations of character assassination, specimen theft, collecting without an approved IACUC protocol and destruction of field sites with dynamite. Lies, all of it!  I have a rebuttal to write.

-       I also have to go check my H-index. Anyway - adios for Albuquerque, and don’t forget those drinks later for Edward Drinker. 

Prosanta and E.D. Cope toasting and roasting.

LATER ON THAT EVENING....Cope's parts in italics

It has been a great meeting. At this time I want to bring up Dr. Cope once again….to help me with a toast, so please raise a glass and drink!

Here’s to 100yrs of Copeia

A hundred years of cheers, a hundred years of beers

A hundred years of graduate student tears

Here’s to Copeia..

Here’s to 15page reviews for 5 page species descriptions

Here’s to cold blooded lower vertebrates and mass extinctions

Here’s to Copeia, the finest fish and herp journal in the land

Here’s to Copeia the ONLY fish and herp journal in the land

Here’s to 100 more years of our beautiful journal being fresh and new

The first edition was stapled together, the last one will be too

TOGETHER: Well 3 cheers for Copeia. May you last forever and never die!

Nah, nah, nah, hey, hey, hey, goodbye!!!

Goodbye Albuquerque!